what's you call it again? oh, life!

It's been almost 21 years i lived in here. well, not childish as a girl anymore and not mature as women yet. at this age i know more about the struggles and how to climb, my fate is fight with reality. i often thinking critically and logically but its not necessary with my mind, yeah its not run simultaneously sometimes.


desperation brings me to struggling with the condition that i must face, no matter how hard it is, nobody knows but me. i crossed the line and  arrived at the place i called obsession. i was greedy to climb it, until i already stand at the point that i (think) can't fade away. Climb that rock is about prestige for me, but its about punishment as well. ( you can find another idiom in movie like : "This is my gift. It is my curse" <-- spiderman). i can stand to say that because while i climb that rock, i raised everybody's expectations. when i want to give up, i can't go back!


i made my world out of the box, leave the comfort zone. now, there is something leads me to touch the comfort zone, i love it! i enjoy every second i spent with it till i enter the box again and find another happiness there. somebody wake me up and i realize i cant leave it. how crap it is? not that bad, i believe this just a gravel sharp as the barrier of those rock. what i want to do now is pass the boundaries.


i don't want to judge the conditions, i know i make it, but as human i just need some space to spoil my self ( you can call it : egoistic) like everybody do. 


okay! back to reality and look up to your schedule fidy! oh, yeah, i have an exam tomorrow, "organizational behavior" subject. well, time to go fellas! enjoy your Sunday night!

I'm Only Human

Love and god are not a different things. Love is a gift from god. Because of god, we can love somebody. This is what I believe. there is no immortality here. You will get everything more than you wanted there.

I believe in what I believed, and its not easy to decide. If there is still a doubt, we don’t deserve to say that word. When I drawn into the bitterness, I’m pretty sure, it’s hard to believe in something, everything is going so maze. It’s not fair. I said that for a thousand times to myself. I thought I was right. I thought I won’t be hurts. I thought I just need myself to do this. Until I don’t know what I have to do and where I have to go. In the end, I found the answer. Everything will leave me. No, I will leave everything, through the death. Soon or later, it’s just about a time.

Talking about the death, I realize that I'd have been gone too far. I’m only human, need a happiness and scare of the pain. I don’t care with the way to get happy, I’m arrogant; I want everything is going fine without have crying after. But what can I do? I’m only human, Have a limit. I see around me and look up to the sky, at that time I realize that I’m weak, I’m fragile, I’m nothing.

Do I have to keep runaway? Do I have to leave myself like this? Who will stand for me forever? Who has shoulder that I can cry on forever? Who can really I count on forever?? and my desperation found the answers, no one. Everybody needs those things. 

I'm searching for the way to back, and I know I have to pass the this first, before catch the real place. i need do this together. because we are only human.

-fidya